Aim for a mediocre first impression

It’s Autumn, aka “that time of the year” when I reduce my inputs and outputs in an attempt to channel my inner Daniel Bedingfield. One thing that suffers as a result is my podcast consumption: I’m usually a fairly heavy listener, but by November it all just gets a bit much.

Today, however, I was travelling to Paris for a conference and decided to listen to an episode of The Art of Manliness podcast entitled What’s Going on With Your Social Anxiety? It’s excellent. The host, Brett McKay, interviews Dr Thomas Smithyman, clinical psychologist and author of a new book.

Although the book has ‘dating’ in the title, Smithyman makes it clear that, when it comes to anxiety and social interaction, it’s pretty much the same attributes that make a great date and a good friend.

I was particularly struck by three things. First, that levels of social anxiety are on a different axis to introversion and extraversion. So, for example, you can have an introvert who’s fine talking on stage and introducing themselves to people (hi, that’s me). But you can also have an extrovert who is socially anxious. This latter category is, apparently, particularly painful for the individual — who has a want/need to be around people, but whose anxiety gets in the way.

Which takes us to the second point, from which I obtained the title for this post. We should aim, argues Smithyman, in a slightly tongue-in-cheek way, for a “mediocre first impression.” This is for a number of reasons. One is that it takes the pressure off us to dazzle everyone we meet by our amazing wit, dress sense, and intellect. Yes, it sounds ridiculous when said like that, but surely I can’t be the only one who sometimes avoids situations where I’m likely to be seen as just ‘average’.

Another reason to lean into a mediocre first impression is that it’s the normal way of human relationships. We find out a bit about other people in a polite way and then, over time, get to know more about them. Along the way we may decide that we like the person and that we want to spend more time getting to know them. Or not. But the amazing first impression can actually hinder the process: you have to live up to the initial high bar you’ve set for yourself.

A third piece of good advice, which I’m going to take onboard, especially as I’m at an event this week, is that people are like reflective surfaces: they reflect warmth. That is to say, if you are warm and interested in the other person, they are likely to reciprocate and find you interesting.

It’s weird to be writing this having been to so many in-person events in my life, but the podcast episode served as a reminder to me: social interaction takes effort and, as my therapist told me four years ago, it’s OK to take off the mask a little bit. Not everyone I meet needs to think I’m amazing 😅